What I felt and what I feel....

You came, and it was special.. I've never seen such a sweet person before, all things i wish i'd forget.. I really thought to let everything behide for you, I was really changing all my life for you,

even though I was not sure it was right, but I loved you, and there was just one thing in my mind: "I will try as hard as I can. If it doesn't work, won't be my fault. "
And I tried harder and harder, and it didn't work. When you came to me and said: "You are such a great person but you are not for me" I just cried over and over again.. day after day.. week after week.. And I was so hurted inside, deeply hurted, I just couldn't move on.. I didn't want to forget.. I asked you millions of time "please, don't forget." but you did... and I couldn't.. and I hardly thought it was my fault.

I've missed you so far, all our talks and words.. I've missed your eyes and your voice... I tryed don't mind, but again I couldn't. At the end I thought "What did I do so wrong? Why didn't it work?" And I felt silly to believe you. I felt stupid to believe in all those things. But again, I loved you, and it was real, I am sure it was... Maybe I am writting this just to pass a line over it. When I open it, I had no intension to write about this, but I don't really know what happened..

One thing is right and it is.. God doesn't let us do such a stupid thing by chance, all these had a purpose, I mean, I hope it had. Because it really hurted me...

I hide your pictures in my notebook so far... but somedays ago every thing change.. or I thought it was changed. "I will put it here, when you clean it your heart will decide what you should do" - Thank you for these words!

We just met because of a green light... and i was a crazy person for him already. It was funny I confess. Something else happened after that moment... and it was special too.. more than that time i was talking about, because it was a real person not a machine, and I could feel alive again..

I was totally hopeless, and live without hope is not good, I do know it. Sometimes I am like a child, and maybe I will be like this forever... and this is not good at all. Because I want to see him, I want to be with him, I want to call just to say good night, maybe he doesn't. And I feel I will screw up everything. "I can't set my hopes to high." But this feeling: Be alive is too much good. Even if I don't want to thing just me and I really don't. I don't care too much about me, I just want someone else to make happy, to make smile and to trust. I just want to have someone else to believe and share the happiness and everything. Just to make both of our lifes more pleaseant, happy and easy, because it is always good when there is someone on our side.

I also feel I need to apologize, because I am acting like a little child, like a 15 years-old-girl. And I don't like, so I am sorry. But this is me, I can't hide my bad side from him, 'cause he is so clear. I really wish I could be better... and don't make such a stupid mistakes like that..
I am sorry!

PS: I wish he could think like me, and feel like me, and want the same things.. but I am not sure about this. Time will show, if i don't mess up everything before.

by Carol